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| Poffy
The Cucumber | Jon
Dunmore | | |
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Dec 2005.
Let us know you want one, by clicking
here.
When we receive enough requests to tip over a marmoset (our
goals aren't high), Poffy's T-shirts will immediately go into production.
Top
of Page | | Greetings,
You're here because you're a Movie Maniac. That makes three of
us.
I'm Jon Dunmore and this is my vegetable mascot, Poffy The Cucumber.
Someone once made the mistake of telling him he was a Movie Reviewer. So now he
reviews movies. I can't tell whether his reviews are any good because I can't
read Cucumberish.
Since Poffy can't type (his mandatory cartoon gloves
get in the way), or read his own squiggly handwriting (he was taught by a cabbage
- and you know that ain't right), he has asked me to tabulate his musings
under pain of desmontification. (The last time I was desmontificated, I only got
three of my ducks back, so I don't want to go through that again!) Thusly,
late at night, when I should be out spending time with someone else's wife, I'm
spending time at the office, writing articles for the little green guy.
So the least you can do is make my time worthwhile and read them. I hope you can
read Cucumberish...
Top of Page |
P.O. Box
370069, Reseda CA 91337-0069.
Physical location: Los Angeles, California,
land of milk, honey, porn stars and the Flat Earth Theory.
E-Mail
Us
Top of Page |
| | | Regular
Readers, you may see movie review pages with changing design elements - don't
panic, there's no conspiracy (at least, that's what my CIA insider tells me);
it's just Poffy and I adding more upscale elements to the machinery, as we go
along.
All the while trying to scare up the time to review more movies
whilst selling our clunky Social Commentaries to the lowest bidders...
ONE DAY, this site will contain every movie you've ever seen - or at least every
movie that we've ever seen...
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Website Design
and Maintenance:
Jon Dunmore
Head Writer, Cartoonist: Jon Dunmore
Poffy The Cucumber:
Himself
Website
hosted by:
Hostbaby
Freelance
Proofreader / Editor:
Damon Pipitone
Top of Page | |
Put Poffy on your desktop:
Click on the design size you want and then right-click
and select "Set as Background."
Top
of Page | |
Top
of Page
| | Big
Daddy
Black
Snake Moan
Brokeback
Mountain
Casino
Royale
Catwoman
Charlie's
Angels: Full Throttle
Death of a Ghost Hunter
Gene Simmons Family Jewels
Children
of Men
Envy
The
Last King of Scotland
Live Free or Die Hard
Miracle
on 34th Street 1994
Pirates
of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Rendition
Religulous
Sicko
Stop-Loss
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May 2007
Whenever
you see the above banner, it is because the article it accompanies has been DELETED
from the Internet Movie Database (IMDb) by the
"democratic" process of one outraged user "reporting abuse"
and IMDb gutlessly dumping my article as if it was advocating Nazism or Killing
Babies. Or deleted for no reason at all.
Like all movie lovers, I visit IMDb constantly, but - like Craig's
List - the fundamentalists and Unfree Speechers have infiltrated this excellent
forum, and instead of policing the User Comments for QUALITY (you know, those
stupid, unimportant aspects like good grammar, spelling and creativity), IMDb
would much rather delete comments creative enough to actually take readers beyond
their provincialism. Because one retard says so.
After
all the lip service paid to heroism and democracy in this country, it seems ironic
that the slightest shiver of heroic divergence is stultified by the minority of
cowards in authority.
My articles are anything but heroic or subversive,
but I guess they're just a little Too Free for IMDb...
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of Page
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If you'd like to be a part of this website in any way (as a writer,
admin assistant, contributor, advertiser, topless dancer, link exchanger, et
al),
E-MAIL
POFFY
with your inquiry and he will ignore you until the appropriate
amount of time has elapsed, and then reply to you with information.
Top
of Page
| | Poffy
and I have no problem in accepting and posting reviews from other writers. What
we DO have a problem with is illiteracy - that is, if you can't spell or chain-link
words to form coherent sentences, please log your blog on a site with lower standards.
If you would like to submit reviews to post on Poffy's site (and become a part
of The Writing Team - oh joy!), your article must be proofread yourself and ready
to publish.
Writing style is irrelevant and writing quality is only
relevant to the extent that the quality should be on par with - or higher than
- Poffy's Cucumber Prose.
Reviews must be over 200 words, less than
1500. Reviews may be of current or past movies (and preferably movies that
have not already been reviewed by Poffy).
Here's the best part: THERE
IS NO PAY FOR WRITTEN WORKS. That means:
a) we stand outside any capitalistic
system of neo-socialism disguised as democracy, thereby retaining our integrity,
and
b) we're cheap.
We will not detail the types of articles we
are not willing to accept. If you do not employ common sense, courtesy or craft,
taste, tact or talent in your submissions, don't expect Poffy to use any in declining
them.
Send all submissions to:
poffy@poffysmoviemania.com
Include your NAME, PHONE NUMBER, E-MAIL and SMART-ASS COMMENT with your
submission, or you will not receive a reply or a post.
Top
of Page | |
       
Poffy
The Cucumber is copyrighted to Jon Dunmore © 2005, and the character and
his name may not be used without permission.
"Poffy The Cucumber's Movie
Mania" is the official website of Poffy The Cucumber ©
and a
division of Egomania Records ®.
All movie reviews are the original work of Jon Dunmore and may not be duplicated
without permission. Plagiarism is an offense punishable by being slapped
senseless with a cabbage.
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