| | 10
cucumbers:
Perfection, Thy Name is 10 Cucumbers.
(Watch. Weep. Watch
again. And again... And again.) |
 | 9
cucumbers:
So close you can almost touch yourself.
(Live. Love. Long.) |
 | 8
cucumbers:
Might accidentally inspire you to poetry.
(Learning. Ambition. Progress. Walks
on the beach optional.) |
 | 7
cucumbers:
That transitional limbo between "very good" and "merely great."
(Arguments start at this demarcation line.) |
 |
6
cucumbers:
Just
above average. Take a film-making course and get back to me.
(Chick-Flicks,
Hollywood Cheese, Celluloid Insincerity.) |
 | 5
cucumbers:
Average.
An indictment unto itself.
(Mediocrity is climbing molehills without sweating.) |
 | 4
cucumbers:
If
you had graduated Film-Making 101, you wouldn't be here...
(You got some 'splainin'
to do.) |
 | 3
cucumbers:
Wait
for the DVD, but don't stand in line for it.
(On rental VHS - don't rewind.) |
 | 2
cucumbers:
Watch
on cable, by accident.
(Keep number of "Person to call in case of Emergency"
close by.) |
 | 1
cucumber:
Hurts
you in all the wrong places.
(The horror... the horror...) |
 |
A major incident which influenced my methods on Cucumber Ratings occurred
on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, when the hosts took the vinegar out of
Leonard Maltin for giving LASER BLAST (an el cheapo CLOSE ENCOUNTERS/STAR WARS ripoff) as many stars as he gave AMADEUS (I believe the rating was
6).
To avoid blatant missteps like that, I always do some mental comparison
before setting the world-shaking gears of Cucumber Ratings in motion. For example:
"Is THE DA VINCI CODE better than CATWOMAN?
Is it less entertaining than KONG 2005?
Where does it stand compared to SYRIANA? Or
a vintage movie like A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE?
Sometimes a single exemplary actor may raise the Cucumber
Rating a couple of cucumbers (ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE). Sometimes, everything from production value to performances
could be magnificent, but the movie's pc leanings or vanilla essence may rob it
of cucumbers (TITANIC). I have to weigh my Cucumber
Rating decisions against the whole tapestry of movie-making, not just my own roundish
green head, which would be very provincial.
The hardest decisions come
when comparing across genres. For example, GARFIELD is obviously a kid's movie. Does it serve its purpose as well as MUNICH
does for adults? To retain any street cred at all in the tough world of hard-hitting
vegetable journalism, I can't simply say that I hated it so it must be
rejected. There are definitely reviewing sites that adopt that attitude, but I
am a tad more cultured and informed. I have a degree from Salad Tossing University,
you know.
Poffy The Cucumber
Los Angeles, June 2006 |
